Part 3 - "Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."
Part 4 - Religious Humor and Wit
Dolphy, Philippine legend in comedy
- Chairs! I mean Cheers!
- How are you to die? You mean, How are you today?
- How do I love three, let me count the ways. (From a favorite English poem by Robert Browning). You mean thee. Wrong spelling may be fatal.
- It was raining cats and dogs, and there were poodles in the road. Puddles, you mean.
- Joseph, the Dreamer came all the way from Canada. Canaan, you mean.
- "Name two pronouns." Inattentive student: Who? Me?
- Genetics: Cross an elephant with a fish. Swimming trunk. Heh! Heh!
- What are your parents' name? "Papa and Mama." Baby talk.
- A quorum is a place to keep fish in. You mean aquarium.
- Elizabeth Aye, Aye Aye! You mean, Elizabeth III.
- Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. Of course not; it was hemlock, a poisonous plant. Respect the fodder of philosophy. Again, please - father.
- In mathematics, Persia gave the dismal point. It would be dismal indeed without the decimal point.
- William Tell invented the telephone. Of course, not. It was Graham Bell. And the bell was invented long before him.
- Home wasn't built in a day. So with Greece.
- "Here lies my captain, fallen cold and deed." You may perfect in reciting "Oh, Captain! My Captain!" yet fail to get the audience accolyte just for one mispronounced word. Accolade, sorry.
- A good reader should not rob the people who erected him. (A Japanese commenting on leadership).
- "Ako'y palopalo, burakrak naman ako." Chinese and Japanese mixed up in singing a popular Philippine song. [I am a butterfly (paroparo); and I am a flower bulaklak)]
- All about corn: Mais (mother corn), corny (baby corn), pop corn (father corn), maestra (teacher corn)
- Spouse is not the singular of spice, but mouse is to mice. Child – children; chicken-chickens. Queer English.
- Capillary is a little caterpillar. Parasite is a kind of umbrella. Collective noun – garbage can
- I liquidate you from all blame. The marriage was illegible. She dresses very auspicious. She is related to me by animosity.
- Who likes history? Do you have a copy of “Caesar’s Garlic Wars?” Louis XVI was gelatined. (Gaelic, guillotined). Feminine of history – herstory. Women’s Lib!
- An enthusiastic chef to customers: “Try our new menu. It is a real threat.”
- “I hope I don’t protrude.” A fellow who knows little English was apologetic on learning only ladies were invited to a party. He is, but the right world is intrude.
- A minister wanted to sell six second-hand organs which had just arrived from Germany in order to raise fund for his church. So during the homily he announced, “I have sex organs. They are slightly used…” He didn’t sell any.
- Elderly teacher: "Pedro, I am beautiful - what is the tense." Looking at his teacher innocently, "Past tense, ma'am."
- "Spell egg." "E-egg-egg." Necktie? N-e-c-ki-ti-hi-he Elephant? "e as in elephant, el as in elephant, e as in elephant again, .... I forgot ma'am"
- "Chemical formula of water?" "H2O, ma'am." Teacher to inattentive pupil: "What is H2O?" "HIJKLMO, ma'am."
- Psychologist: "Please tell me, it looks like you depressed?" Patient: "No Doctor, I am the priest."
- And here are some overused double bladed words. noisepaper, tongressman, democrazy "Government off the people, buy the people and poor the people."
1. Authorship
An English teacher, having read some of John Milton's poetry to her young class one day, mentioned to them that the great poet was blind. One question asked on the examination the next day was:
On one paper was scribbled, simply: "He was a poet."
2. Statistics
"One hundred per cent. Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease which you have, Yours in the tenth case I've treated. The others all died. So you see, you're bound to get well. Statistics are statistics."
3. Romance
A shapely young girl had just married a man of wealth who was more than twice her age.
"I don't believe in these May and December marriages," declared a critical friend.
"Why not?" asked the bride.
"Well, said the friend. "December is going to find in May the youth, beauty and freshness of spring, but what is May going to find in December?"
The bride's logical answer was, "Santa Claus."
4. A Fisherman's Lament
A three-pound pull, and a five-pound bite; an eight-pound jump, and a ten-pound fight; a twelve-pound bend to your pole - but alas! When you got him aboard he's a half-pound bass.
FISHERMAN: "I tell you it was THAT long! I never saw such a fish."
FRIEND: "I believe you."
5. Age
The young co-ed brought a friend home from college, an extremely attractive curvaceous honey-blonde. Introducing her friend to her grandfather, the girl added: "And just think, Beverly, he's in his nineties.
"Early nineties, that is," the old gent added.
6. Importance of Punctuation
A grade school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, Sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway."
"Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher. "Please write this sentence on the board: The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed."
"Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board, and another after teacher."
7. Big Fish Caught
A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
8. Maximum Punishment
A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
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TOASTS
Acknowledgement: Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob M Braude; Philippine Literature Today, by Rotor AV and KM Doria
Part 3 - "Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." And other jokes about marriage.
(According to Great and Popular Leaders)
1. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
2. "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." - Al Gore
3. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
4. "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Alec Baldwin
5. "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."- Barack Obama
6. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
7. "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
8. "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." - Bill Clinton
10. "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Rudy Giuliani
11. "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - Michael Jordan
12. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
13. "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!" - Donald Trump
14. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
15. “Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown. Marriage humor of great men and women.
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“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous ~
1. Rewrite the Ten Commandments
The editor of the local paper queried the new applicant for the job of rewrite man. "Well," said the editor, "are you good?"
"Sure was the reply.
"All right, then fix this, and cut it short," instructed the editor, handing him a list of the Ten Commandment.
The applicant gave a glance and seemed a little nonplussed. But then he stepped over to the desk, quickly marked the copy, and handed it to the surprised editor, who studied the paper for only a moment before saying. "You are hired!"
The rewrite on the paper was, "Don't."
2. Greeting the day with Good Morning
Somebody has said there are two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
3. Breakable mail
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family friend Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
4. Snake Salvation didn't work
A snake-handling preacher featured on Snake Salvation died soon after being bitten by a rattlesnake during the service.
5.Depressed priest
A priest went to a doctor for checkup. He looked very sad.
"Are you depressed? "asked the doctor.
"No, I am the priest." replied the absent-minded patient.
6. Good news, bad news
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.
7. Seemed Appropriate
The new chaplain wanted very much to entertain as well as instruct his men, and so, on one occasion, he arranged for an illustrated lecture on Bible scenes and incidents.
One seaman was detailed to play appropriate music between pictures. The first of these represented Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The sailor cudgeled his brain and ran through his lists, but could not think of no music exactly appropriate to the picture.
"Please play up." whispered the chaplain.
Then an inspiration came to the seaman, and to the consternation of the chaplain and to the delight of the audience, he played, There's Only One Girl in This World for Me.
8. Dad first
Young Johnny was late for Sunday school, and the minister asked the cause.
"I was going fishing, but Dad wouldn't let me." announced the lad.
"That's the right kind of father to have," replied the reverend. "Did he explain the reason he would not let you go?"
"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."
9. Identify Yourself
The young army recruit was a victim of so many practical jokes that he doubted all men and their motives. One night while he was on guard duty, the figure of one of the officers loomed up in the darkness.
"Who goes there?" the recruit challenged.
:"Major Moses," was the reply
The young recruit scented the joke. "Glad to meet you, Moses," he said cheerfully, "Advance and give me the Ten Commandments."
10. Statement of Costs
The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in the church. The statement was as follows:
- Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments $50
- Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet 60
- Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill 45
- Put a new nose on St John the Baptist and straightened his eyes 25
- Replumed and gilded thee left wing of the Guardian Angel 65
- Washed the servant of the High Priest & put carmine on his cheeks 25
- Renewed heaven, adjusted 10 stars, gilded the sun, cleaned the moon 85
- Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls 45
- Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the Devil and mended
- his left hoof, and did several odd jobs for the damned 65
- Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 30
- Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig 45
- Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him 35
- Put earrings in the ears of Sarah 70
- Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand
- and extended his legs 30
- Decorated Noah's Ark 20
- Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned his pigs 15 Total $710
Acknowledgement: Jokes, Quotes and One-liners for Public Speakers bu HV Prochnow and HV Prochnow Jr
Human Nature takes us to view an otherwise serious matter on relationship between boss and subordinate in the context of wit and humor, a rationale in solving conflicts, and in handling anger and feeling of inequality.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough;
When I don't do it, I am lazy;
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy;
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart;
When my boss does the same, he has initiative;
When I please my boss, I am apple-polishing;
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating;
When I do good, my boss never remembers;
738 DZRB AM Band, 8 to 9 evening class, Monday to Friday [www.pbs.gov.ph]
Filipinos are fond of witty expressions. This is one of them - a road sign along Quezon Avenue near the Lung Center of the Philippines, Diliman, QC. I saw a similar one near the Fort. Creative minds can go far, and trivial, too.For those who have no inkling of the homonym similarity, Lee Kuan Yew is Singapore's living legend - father of this modern city state. You pronounce his name the same way you read in Pilipino, U-turn.
By the way, somebody has removed the sign. I miss it now whenever I make a u-turn in that busy intersection. ~
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