WIT-AND-HUMOR
Researched and organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
Part 1 - Perk up your life with Wit and Humor
Researched and organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
A little girl approached a great concert violinist after his performance as he was leaving the concert hall and asked him for an autograph.
“I’m sorry,” said the maestro, “but my hands are so very tired from playing.”
“My hands are tired, too,” said the little girl, “and they’re tired from applauding.”
“I’m sorry,” said the maestro, “but my hands are so very tired from playing.”
“My hands are tired, too,” said the little girl, “and they’re tired from applauding.”
The police sent out pictures of an escaped convict in six different poses. A constable sent the following wire: “Have captured five of them and on trail of the sixth.”
FISHERMAN: "I tell you it was THAT long! I never saw such a fish."
FRIEND: "I believe you."
FRIEND: "I believe you."
“You have told many lies to get in here,” said the Keeper of the Keys.
“Have a heart, Saint Peter,” said the new arrival. “You were a fisherman once yourself.”
HE: “What was the name of the hotel we stopped at in Detriot?”
SHE: “Wait, I’ll look through my towels.”
WIFE: “A letter came for you today marked ‘private and personal.’”
HUSBAND: “What did it say?”
Her husband can always find the liquor, no matter where his wife hides it. He has a fifth sense.
ANGRY WIFE: “What would you men have today if woman had never been created?”
PLACID HUSBAND: “One more rib.”
You should file your income tax, not chisel it. (Or cut it.)
A father was telling a neighbor how he stopped his son from being late to high school. “I bought him a car,” he said.
“How did that stop him from being late?” the neighbor asked.
“Why, he’s got to get there early to find a parking place.”
Two little girls were in danger of being late for school.
“Let’s stop and pray for God to get us there on time,” said one.
“No, better than that,” said the other, “let’s run with all our might, and pray while we’re running.”
“No, better than that,” said the other, “let’s run with all our might, and pray while we’re running.”
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Acknowledgement with gratitude: Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob M Braude Prentice-Hill; Internet cartoon images
Part 2 - "Get out of your box!" through Wit and Humor
" What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?
One hundred men went into the woods to cut logs. They took along two women to cook for them. Before the winter ended, two of the men married the women. This was normal. However, a statistician startled outsiders by reporting that 2 per cent of the men married 100 per cent of the women!
The lion ate a bull. He felt so good that he roared and roared. A hunter heard him, found him and killed him. There is a moral to this, and it is that when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
In a federal court, an elderly American Indian was charged with bootlegging.
"You name?" asked the judge.
"Have you a lawyer."
She was an economical, industrious and ambitious young wife and often tried to persuade her husband to give up smoking. One day she pointed out to him, in exact figures, how much he spent on tobacco in the course of a year.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?"
"You name?" asked the judge.
"Have you a lawyer."
Again, silence.
"Do you understand English?"
The Indian kept staring blankly ahead. The judge shrugged and turned to the district attorney.
"This is a trivial case, anyhow," he said. "He doesn't seem to understand a word of English. Probably he doesn't realize he has done wrong. Dismiss the case."
Told he could go, the Indian nevertheless sat motionless while the next case was called. This time it was a white man who was charged with the same offense. The defense lawyer, noted for his oratory, delivered an impassioned plea for mercy. Unmoved, the judge gave the defendant five years in the penitentiary.
As the crestfallen lawyer was leaving the courtroom, the elderly Indian fell in behind him. Suddenly the Indian leaned over and whispered in the lawyer's ear:
"White man talk too much."
"Do you understand English?"
The Indian kept staring blankly ahead. The judge shrugged and turned to the district attorney.
"This is a trivial case, anyhow," he said. "He doesn't seem to understand a word of English. Probably he doesn't realize he has done wrong. Dismiss the case."
Told he could go, the Indian nevertheless sat motionless while the next case was called. This time it was a white man who was charged with the same offense. The defense lawyer, noted for his oratory, delivered an impassioned plea for mercy. Unmoved, the judge gave the defendant five years in the penitentiary.
As the crestfallen lawyer was leaving the courtroom, the elderly Indian fell in behind him. Suddenly the Indian leaned over and whispered in the lawyer's ear:
"White man talk too much."
"And you will be better off," she said, "mentally and physically, as well as financially, without your pipe."
"But all great men have smoked," he urged.
"Well," she said, "just promise me that you'll give up smoking till you're great. I'll be quite satisfied."
A Scotsman dying in an American hospital expressed a strong wish to hear the bagpipes once again before he passed away. Far and near they sought for a piper, and having found one at last they made him perform daily on the grass outside the patient's room. To the astonishment of everybody, the patient recovered. The only drawback was that the other patients all died.
TEACHER: "What tense is, I am beautiful?"
JUNIOR: "Past."
MINISTER: "Do you say prayers before eating?"
LITTLE BOY: "Don't have to. Mom's a good cook."
JUNIOR: "Seven, ma'am."
TEACHER: "How old will you be on your next birthday?"
JUNIOR: "Nine, ma'am."
TEACHER: "Nonsense. If you were seven on your last birthday, how can you be nine on your next birthday?"
JUNIOR: "I'm eight today." ~
TOAST: To the old, long life and treasure;
To the young, all health and pleasure.
- Ben Jonson
Reference: Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor
Stories, Quotes, Definitions and Toasts for Every Situation by Jacob M Braude, Pentice-Hall NJ 1961
Part 3 - Wit-and-Humor
- Key to effective public speaking and conversation
Researched and organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
1. SLEEP WALKING
The story is told about a man who walked out while the priest was delivering his homily. So, as not to offend the priest, the wife approached him after the mass and apologized for her husband's behavior.
"Sorry, Father. Please forgive my husband." Just as the priest was about to say, "It's all right," she went on to add, "You see, Father, my husband has the habit of walking in his sleep."
2. ON SPELLING
People are laughing yet over an incident which occurred at a Parents Teachers Association meeting. Five little first graders marched out onto the stage to welcome everyone, each child carrying a large cardboard letter to spell out the word
"H-E-L-L-O".
All took their correct positions except the little lad who carried the letter "O." He had forgotten where to stand. He paused a few moments at the rear of the stage, much to the amusement of the audience, but he really brought down the house when he finally decided he belonged at the head of the group!
3. STATISTICS
"What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?"
"One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease you have. Fours is the tenth case I treated. The other all died. So you see you are bound to get well. Statistics are statistics."
4. NO PROGRESS
Psychiatrist: "I want to congratulate you on the progress you've been making."
Patient: "Progress? Six months ago I was Napoleon. Today, I'm nobody. You call that progress?"
5. WITTY QUIPS
- " I am a slow walker," said Abraham Lincoln, "but I don't walk back." (PHOTO)
- A woman once asked Thomas A Edison to write a motto for her son. And Edison wrote: "Don't look at the clock!"
- Victor Borge, pianist and comedian announced at the close of TV show: "I wish to thank my mother and father who made this show possible, and my five children who made it necessary."
- Voltaire was more than witty when he said: "To forgive our enemies their virtues - that is a greater miracle."
- An Athenian, who was lame in one foot, was laughed at by the soldiers on account of his lameness. "I am here to fight," said he, "not to run."
- A small boy had been told that we are here in the world to help others. "What are the others here for?" he asked.
Part 4 - Let the sun shine in with wit and humor.
"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." - Mark Twain
The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
Three things to give to marriage:
- Industry
- Inspiration
- In
Kiss
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "
is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did." ~
"A day without laughter is a day wasted." - Charlie Chaplin
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