Witty Humor - Key to Cheerful Disposition

Witty Humor - Key to Cheerful Disposition 
Researched and edited by Dr Abe V Rotor
Living with Nature - School on Blog [avrotor.blogspot.com]

1.  Authorship 
An English teacher, having read some of John Milton's poetry to her young class one day, mentioned to them that the great poet was blind.  One question asked on the examination the next  day was:

"What was Milton's great affliction?"

On one paper was scribbled, simply: "He was a poet."

2. Statistics

 "What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?" 

"One hundred per cent.  Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease which you have, Yours in the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.  So you see, you're bound to get well.  Statistics are statistics."

3. Romance
A shapely young girl had just married a man of wealth who was more than twice her age.

"I don't believe in these May and December marriages," declared a critical friend.

"Why not?" asked the bride.

"Well, said the friend.  "December is going to find in May the youth, beauty and freshness of spring, but what is May going to find in December?"

The bride's logical answer was, "Santa Claus."

4. A Fisherman's Lament
A three-pound pull, and a five-pound bite; an eight-pound jump, and a ten-pound fight; a twelve-pound bend to your pole - but alas!  When you got him aboard he's a half-pound bass.  

FISHERMAN: "I tell you it was THAT long!  I never saw such a fish."
FRIEND: "I believe you."

5.  Age
The young co-ed brought a friend home from college, an extremely attractive curvaceous honey-blonde. 

Introducing her friend to her grandfather, the girl added: "And just think, Beverly, he's in his nineties.

"Early nineties, that is," the old gent added. 

6. Importance of Punctuation
A grade school student was having trouble with punctuation.  

"Never mind, Sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." 

"Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher. "Please write this sentence on the board: The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." 

"Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board, and another after teacher."

7. Big Fish Caught
A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed.  A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.

"How many have you caught?"

Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."

8. Maximum Punishment
A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
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TOASTS 

Drink! for you know not when you come, nor why;

Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where.                      - Omar Khayyam                                             

Here is to Life! The first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.  

Acknowledgement: Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob M Braude; Philippine Literature Today, by Rotor AV and KM Doria

LESSON on Former Paaralang Bayan sa Himpapawid (People's School-on-Air)
738 DZRB AM Band, 8 to 9 evening class, Monday to Friday [www.pbs.gov.ph]