"Get out of your box!" through Wit and Humor

"Get out of your box!" through Wit and Humor 

Researched and organized by Dr Abe V Rotor

   " What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?

     "One hundred per cent. Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died. So you see, you're bound to get well. Statistics are statistics." 

   One hundred men went into the woods to cut logs.  They took along two women to cook for them.  Before the winter ended, two of the men married the women.  This was normal.  However, a statistician startled outsiders by reporting that 2 per cent of the men married 100 per cent of the women!  

    The lion ate a bull.  He felt so good that he roared and roared.  A hunter heard him, found him and killed him.  There is a moral to this, and it is that when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.      

 In a federal court, an elderly American Indian was charged with bootlegging.
     "You name?" asked the judge.
     "Have you a lawyer."

      Again, silence.
     "Do you understand English?"
     The Indian kept staring blankly ahead. The judge shrugged and turned to the district attorney.
     "This is a trivial case, anyhow," he said. "He doesn't seem to understand a word of English. Probably he doesn't realize he has done wrong. Dismiss the case."
     Told he could go, the Indian nevertheless sat motionless while the next case was called. This time it was a white man who was charged with the same offense. The defense lawyer, noted for his oratory, delivered an impassioned plea for mercy. Unmoved, the judge gave the defendant five years in the penitentiary.
     As the crestfallen lawyer was leaving the courtroom, the elderly Indianfell in behind him. Suddenly the Indian leaned over and whispered in the lawyer's ear:
     "White man talk too much." 

    People are laughing yet over an incident which occurred at a PTA meeting. Five little graders marched out onto the stage to welcome everyone, each child carrying a large cardboard letter to spell out the word "H-E-L-L-O."

     All took their correct positions except the little lad who carried the letter "O." He had forgotten where to stand.  He passed a few moments at the rear of the stage, much to the amusement of the audience.  But he really brought down the house when he finally decided he belonged at the head of the group! 

   She was an economical, industrious and ambitious young wife and often tried to persuade her husband to give up smoking.  One day she pointed out to him, in exact figures, how much he spent on tobacco in the course of a year. 

     "And you will be better off," she said, "mentally and physically, as well as financially, without your pipe."

     "But all great men have smoked," he urged.

     "Well," she said, "just promise me that you'll give up smoking till you're great.  I'll be quite satisfied."

   A Scotsman dying in an American hospital expressed a strong wish to hear the bagpipes once again before he passed away.  Far and near they sought for a piper, and having found one at last they made him perform daily on the grass outside the patient's room.  To the astonishment of everybody, the patient recovered.  The only drawback was that the other patients all died. 

   TEACHER: "What tense is, I am beautiful?"

     JUNIOR: "Past."

   MINISTER: "Do you say prayers before eating?"

     LITTLE BOY: "Don't have to.  Mom's a good cook."

   TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?"

     JUNIOR: "Seven, ma'am."

     TEACHER: "How old will you be on your next birthday?"

     JUNIOR: "Nine, ma'am."

     TEACHER: "Nonsense.  If you were seven on your last birthday, how can you be nine on your next birthday?"

     JUNIOR: "I'm eight today." ~  

              TOAST: To the old, long life and treasure;

To the young, all health and pleasure.

- Ben Jonson

Reference: Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor

Stories, Quotes, Definitions and Toasts for Every Situation by Jacob M Braude, Pentice-Hall NJ 1961