Put Some Wit in Humor

                                         Put Some Wit in Humor

Researched by Dr Abe V Rotor

1. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"

2. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.

3. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."

4. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."

5. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII) 

6. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin

7. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."

8. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk.  I was only drinking." 
      Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days." 

9. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed.  A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."

10. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)

11. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po.  What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)

12. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up." 

13. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:

1. The handsome
2. The intellectual
3. The great majority

14. Three things to give to marriage:

1. Industry
2. Inspiration
3. In

15. Language 
"So you have just returned from Paris.  Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did." ~